Frequently Asked Questions

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There is a popular misconception that domestic violence is limited to physical assault. That is an inaccurate assessment. Domestic violence and abuse include varying attributes, with some often being used against a victim in multiple forms at once. Sexual, economic, mental, emotional, and verbal abuse are also considered to be domestic violence in addition to stalking, isolation, and intimidation. Undoubtedly, some forms of abuse are more life-threatening than others, but each stands alone as equally concerning. Statistically, more women are victims of domestic violence and abuse globally, but men and youth are not exempt from victimization.

Domestic violence is a form of control abuse. It's when someone uses abusive behavior to manipulate another person. Abusers use threats, intimidation, and condoned violence to harm their partners. They may also try to isolate their victims from outside help, which prevents the victims from leaving the abusive situation and from getting help. Some abusers have no known history of abuse that factors into their behavior, although mental illness, a personality disorder, or illicit drug use are known to lead to an abusive criminal history.

Abuse involves power and control over an individual's mind and behavior. The abuser wishes to control every aspect of their victim's life—both physically and emotionally—through intimidation, coercion control, and harassment. The abuser may threaten their partner with physical injury or even death if they tell anyone about the abuse. The abuser may also destroy their victim's property, harm pets, or deny basic necessities such as food, housing, and medical care. Psychological abuse involves shouting, lying, threatening loved ones, or forcing the victim to do illegal things. Sexual abuse involves forcing sex acts upon the victim and imitating sex acts such as those in pornography against the victim's will. 

Often, people who are victims of domestic violence and abuse live in fear each day they are with their abusers. Abusive relationships are dangerous, regardless of one's gender. If you are being abused, please seek help immediately to escape serious danger and harm by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 800-799-SAFE (7233).

Disappointingly, domestic violence affects people all around the world. The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that 34% of women in relationships have reported being victimized by physical and sexual assault from their partner. Other statistics show an estimated four out of ten women were murdered by their significant other (husband or boyfriend) .

Domestic violence is a serious social problem that occurs in all types of relationships. Violence in intimate relationships causes severe physical and psychological injuries to people, pets, and property. People who commit domestic violence can be perpetrators, victims, or both. Additionally, one in four women and one in seven men have experienced rape or sexual abuse at the hands of a partner at some point in their lives. In some cases, the perpetrator is someone close to the victim, such as a family member or friend. Many survivors remain silent about their experiences due to fear of ridicule or because they don't know where to turn for help.

Many people think that if they don't experience domestic violence, they don't need to worry about it. However, abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of sexual orientation, race, religion, or socioeconomic status. 

In 2015, the #MeToo Movement gained traction online as women shared their experiences with sexual harassment and rape without fear of retribution from their abuser. That phenomenon is known as "regurgitation," where survivors pass on their experiences to authorities without being re-victimized.

The prevalence of domestic violence is difficult to comprehend due to its nature as a violent crime against loved ones. However, domestic violence is reported yearly by many entities with the goal of helping victims and deterring future instances.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that in the United States, nearly 20 people per minute experience physical abuse by an intimate partner, and intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crimes. A number of different risk factors have been implicated in intimate partner violence. Some are individual risk factors, while others relate to aspects of the relationship itself. Societal and community influences can also play a part.

INDIVIDUAL RISK FACTORS: According to the CDC, the following individual risk factors play a role in a person becoming a perpetrator of intimate partner violence:

• Aggressive behaviors as a child or teen
• Antisocial personality traits
• Being insecure and emotionally dependent
• History of depression or past suicide attempts
• Belief in rigid gender roles and hostility toward the opposite sex
• Desire for control or power in relationships
• Economic stress, low educational attainment, and poor economic status (NOTE: Intimate partner violence is NOT limited to those populations, as it affects people of all economic statuses and education levels.)
• Lack of friends and social isolation
• Low self-esteem
• Poor behavioral control, impulsivity, and poor problem-solving skills
• A history of physical and emotional abuse as a child
• Witness to relationship violence as a child

RELATIONSHIP VIOLENCE WARNING SIGNS: At the outset of a relationship, it can be very challenging to know if someone will become abusive or violent. However, there are some signs to watch out for that may foretell whether a relationship that starts off seemingly happy and healthy is likely to become abusive. Some of the red flags include:

• Accusations of flirting or having an affair without evidence or reason
• Alcohol or substance misuse
• Attempts to isolate from family and friends
• Blaming external forces for problems, mood swings, and behaviors
• Controlling all of the household finances or financial abuse
• Extreme jealousy or possessiveness
• Mood swings and episodes of intense anger
• Talking about their partner in a demeaning way to other people
• Verbal abuse and threats of violence
• Very intense and quick involvement at the start of a relationship
• Love-bombing (defined as an attempt to manipulate and control someone by showering them with an abundance of affection and attention, leaving the partner to feel obligated to remain in the relationship)

HOW TO PROTECT ONESELF FROM RELATIONSHIP VIOLENCE: There are a number of factors that may help protect people against intimate partner violence. Having positive relationships with other people and a strong social support network can help. The CDC also suggests that a number of community factors can help reduce domestic violence. Community involvement, safe and stable housing, access to medical and mental health services, and community economic resources may all play a protective role.

A 2018 systematic review found that among older adults, the three main protective factors against abuse were social support, help-seeking behavior, and the availability of community resources to address abuse.

If there are warning signs or behaviors that make you feel unsafe and your partner refuses to acknowledge them, explore them, or stay open to taking steps to address them, it is important to consider your safety and consider ending the relationship. Seek support from family and friends and call a domestic violence hotline (988) if you need support or help to make a plan to leave the relationship safely.

Source: T, Buddy. (2022) "Signs That Indicate a Relationship Could Turn Violent." Verywellmind. Retrieved October 9, 2022. www.verywellmind.com/signs-that-a-relationship-could-turn-violent-4100203

Domestic violence is common in the United States. Abusers can be family members, close friends, or intimate partners. Over time, the violence can lead to more severe forms of abuse if the victim doesn't seek help. Victims should seek help immediately if they're in an abusive relationship. Otherwise, the situation will only get worse over time, no matter how many apologies the abuser gives.

Abusive behaviors are often carried out in private domains such as homes or cars. Each form of violence is defined by the extent to which the abusive perpetrator violates the victim's personal space. Some of the violations are minor (for example, putting a person on hold too long on the phone), while others are major (for example, throwing things or locking the victim in a room). Apart from violating one's personal space, domestic violence victims tend to experience some form of physical pain. Some minor slapping is common but more severe forms involve beating, stabbing, strangling, and other forms of brutalizing the victim. 

Domestic violence also creates significant mental health problems for its victims. Abuse victims often develop major depression and anxiety that limits their daily activities. They may also have issues with eating and sleeping as they resist participating in daily functions due to fear and stress. Other mental issues may arise from prolonged exposure to abusive environments, such as developing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Even after the abusive relationship ends, victims may experience negative effects for months or years afterward. For example, family members and friends who remain in abusive relationships may return to them after escaping the abusive relationship. After the traumatic experience, some victims remain in hostile environments where they constantly worry about being abused again. That is known as "toxic anger" and occurs due to prolonged exposure to dangerous situations after an abusive relationship ends.

Perpetrators/Abusers should never get away with violating their victims' personal spaces or inflicting physical or mental pain. Anyone struggling with abusive relationships should speak with a professional about their situation as soon as possible. Otherwise,  ongoing problems will worsen over time when help is not sought for their mental health.

The question is not “Why doesn’t the victim just leave?” The better question is “Why does the abuser choose to abuse?” 

In 1992, the National Research Council issued a report stating that "60 to 70 percent of all women will be domestically abused at some point in their lives," which translates to millions of women being victims of domestic violence and abuse. However, some have questioned whether or to what extent domestic violence is a nationwide problem. Some have suggested it is only a problem in urban areas or among certain socioeconomic groups. Understanding the dynamics of domestic violence can help us address the issues and to offer help and support to victims.

Since abusers use physical and emotional abuse to control their victims, they are able to maintain power, even after the violent behavior occurs. They also avoid responsibility for their actions by labeling their actions as "defensive." That makes it difficult for victims to seek help, especially when they may blame themselves for the abuse. Hence, abusers are able to continue controlling their victims, even after violent acts occur.

Many victims stay with their abusers for many reasons, including:

• IGNORANCE REGARDING THE ABUSE. Many victims stay with their abusers because they are unaware of the abuse. That may be due to the abuser's use of manipulation to control their victim. Or it may be due to victims being unable to afford or access resources that would enable them to protect themselves. For example, one study revealed that women with low levels of education were more likely to be victims of domestic violence than those with higher levels of education. Therefore, low levels of education may keep victims from recognizing and addressing the signs and symptoms of domestic violence.
• FEAR OF BEING ALONE. Many victims remain with their abusers because they fear being without their partner. That is often attributed to the abuser's use of intimidation, which causes their victim to feel afraid and hopeless without them. The fear may also be due to the abuser's denial, which prevents them from recognizing they have mistreated their loved one. As such, the victim may choose to remain in situations where they are being abused because they lack the courage and confidence necessary to seek help on their own.
• DESIRE FOR THE ABUSER'S LOVE. Some victims stay with their abusers because they desire love, despite being abused. They believe they deserve love from their abuser, no matter the form demonstrated. In addition, some victims believe if they leave, the abuser may seek revenge and cause further emotional pain and control, further solidifying the victim's desire for the abuser's love despite the worsening abusive situation.
• PERCEIVED NEED TO ENDURE THE ABUSE FOR THE SAKE OF THE FAMILY. Some victims remain with their abusers because they perceive that abandoning them would cause greater harm to other family members within the family unit, especially children. In addition, children within the family unit may have witnessed previous instances of domestic violence and may have developed Stockholm Syndrome (Stockholm syndrome is a condition in which abuse victims develop a psychological bond with their abuser) toward the violent adult couple. The familial bond may prompt family members to "keep the peace" within the volatile family unit so as not to disrupt others who may be dependent upon the couple for: parenting, general household care, personal care services, and other daily needs.

Domestic violence is a violent behavior that occurs in a relationship between two people. It can be a husband and wife, parents with children, or any two people who live together as a couple. There are several types of domestic violence, including physical, emotional, sexual, and financial abuse. Although most incidents of domestic violence are committed by men against women, men can be victims of domestic violence as well. No relationship is perfect. When there is abusive behavior, it's important to address the issue and help the victim.

When responding to a report of domestic violence, it's important to take note of the common situations that look like cases of domestic violence. Most situations involving abuse involve the perpetrator hitting, strangling, or restraining the victim. Some situations involve the perpetrator trying to drown or burn the victim. In addition, sexual abuse often involves the perpetrator forcing the victim to perform sexual acts or making the victim participate in pornographic acts. Other common abusive behaviors include threats and controlling the victim's finances. Anyone who believes they have found evidence of domestic violence should report it immediately. By doing so, law enforcement can help prevent further abuse.

When responding to a report of domestic violence, anyone who is trying to help a victim should recognize the signs of physical and emotional abuse perpetrated by an intimate partner. The signs that indicate a person is experiencing domestic violence include physical injuries such as bruises or cuts, broken bones, other wounds on the body, damaged property, and missing belongings. Additionally, victims may show signs of emotional distress by exhibiting anxiety, depression, and stress-related symptoms such as crying frequently or feeling isolated from family and friends. Abuse should never be tolerated under any circumstance. When someone reports being abused, law enforcement personnel should take it very seriously.

It's important to note that when responding to reports of domestic violence, law enforcement personnel must take each situation differently based on whether they are responding to a male or female victim and whether they are responding to an incident involving children. First responders should always be conscious of how they handle calls involving male victims, particularly those cases involving suspected murder-suicide plots. In those situations, it's crucial for first responders to work closely with prosecutors so that no evidence is ignored or mishandled during court proceedings. For situations involving female victims, first responders should always be conscious of how they handle calls where children are involved, especially when parents have been murdered during an incident. Handling those calls responsibly will increase officer safety while minimizing ongoing suffering on behalf of surviving children.

Clearly stating that all incidents of domestic violence should be taken seriously is an understatement when discussing the topic. Anyone who thinks they have evidence that someone is being abused should immediately report it to authorities so that abusers can be held responsible for their actions. By addressing each case immediately, abusers can be stopped before they can cause serious harm to others.

What NOT to do...

There is no right or wrong way to help a victim of domestic violence. However, there are things you may want to avoid doing that will make their situation worse. Following are some "don'ts" that experts recommend you avoid:

• Don't bash the abuser. Focus on the behavior, not the personality.
• Don't blame the victim. That's what the abuser does.
• Don't underestimate the potential danger for the victim...and yourself.
• Don't promise any help that you can't follow through with.
• Don't give conditional support (i.e., I will help you only if you...)
• Don't do anything that might further provoke the abuser.
• Don't pressure the victim to act.
• Don't give up on the victim. If they are unwilling to express themselves at first, be patient.
• Don't do anything to make life more difficult for the victim.

What TO do...

• DO make time for them but avoid getting involved when tempers are flaring, as doing so can put you in danger. Set aside plenty of time to allow the victim to disclose pent-up fear and frustration (i.e., you will not want to end the conversation because you have a prior commitment).
• DO initiate the conversation, letting the victim know you are available and offering a sympathetic ear. You can start the discussion by saying, "I'm worried about you because..." or "I'm concerned about your safety because..." or "I have noticed some changes that concern me." Assure the person you will be discreet about any information disclosed. Allow the conversation to unfold at a comfortable pace for the victim.
• DO listen without judgment. If the victim decides to talk, just listen without being judgmental, offering advice, or suggesting solutions. Chances are if you actively listen, they will tell you what they need. You can ask clarifying questions but mainly, just let them vent. It's likely you are the first person they choose to confide in.
• DO learn the warning signs. For a variety of reasons, victims often cover the abuse. Learning the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse can help you help them. Physical signs include: black eyes, busted lips, red or purple marks on the neck, sprained wrists, and bruises on the arms. Emotional signs include: low self-esteem, overly apologetic or meek, fearful, changes in sleeping or eating patterns, anxious or on edge, substance abuse, symptoms of depression, loss of interest in once enjoyed activities and hobbies, and talk of suicide. Behavioral signs include: becoming withdrawn or distant, canceling appointments or meetings at the last minute, being late often, excessive privacy concerning their personal life, and isolating themselves from family and friends. If suicide is a topic, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. If in immediate danger, call 911.
• DO believe the victim. Because domestic violence is more about control than anger, the victim is often the only one who sees the dark side of the perpetrator. Consequently, victims often feel that no one would believe them if they told others about the abuse. Believe the victim's story and tell them you do, as it can bring them a sense of hope and relief. You can offer the following assurances: "I believe you," "This is not your fault," and "You don't deserve this."
• DO validate the victim's feelings. It's not unusual to express conflicting feelings about their partner and situation. Those feelings can range from: guilt and anger, hope and despair, and love and fear. If you want to help, it is imperative that you validate the victim's feelings by letting them know those conflicting thoughts are normal. Conversely, it is also important that you confirm violence is never okay and that it isn't normal to live in fear of being physically attacked. Some victims may not realize their situation is abnormal because they have no other positive models for relationships and have become accustomed to the cycle of abuse. Pointedly tell the victim that violence and abuse aren't parts of a healthy relationship. Furthermore, without judging, confirm to them that their situation is dangerous and you are concerned for their safety.
• DO help the victim find support and resources. Look up telephone numbers for shelters, social services, attorneys, counselors, or support groups. You will also want to help them get information on any laws regarding protective orders/restraining orders and child custody information. You can search state by state for legal information at womenslaw.org. If possible, offer to go along for moral support to the police department, court, or lawyer's office. Remind them that help is available by calling 1-800-799-7233 for immediate professional assistance.
• DO help the victim formulate a safety plan. Help the victim create a safety plan that can be put into action immediately if violence occurs again or if they decide to leave the abusive situation. Just the exercise of making a plan can help them visualize what steps are needed to be prepared psychologically. Help the victim think through each step of the safety plan, weighing the risks and benefits of each option and ways to reduce the risks. Be sure to include the following in the safety plan: A safe place to go in an emergency or if they decide to leave the home; A prepared excuse to leave if they feel threatened; A code word to alert family and friends that help is needed; An "escape bag" with cash, important documents (birth certificates, social security cards, etc.), keys, toiletries, and a change of clothes that can be easily accessed in a crisis situation; A list of contacts, including trusted family and friends, local shelters, and the domestic abuse hotline number (988).

Source: T, Buddy. (2022) "9 Ways to Help a Victim of Domestic Violence." Verywellmind. Retrieved October 8, 2022. www.verywellmind.com/how-to-help-a-victim-of-domestic-violence-66533